Sunday, August 20, 2006
Insomia continues...
It's not supposed to be this slow. I know change will not take place overnight, but I'm moving on with my life trying to renew myself at a turtle-paced speed. Still, I'm a little bit relieved that despite all the difficulties I am undergoing, [read: trying to overcome compulsions] I still managed to accomplish a few things that I thought we're necessary.
I'm really trying hard, but I guess this still not enough. There are still wasted moments that could have been converted into something meaningful. I know it's a bit daft, but I had to do this in preparation for the impending "tough times." And I haven't even faced the results of the more challenging exams. [read: Labor, Oblicon, Marriage (yes, that's right, the theology subject), and Finance] I have to prepare myself for accepting the truth that I am not as good as others think that I am, if they even see me as good, anyway. I have to continue punishing myself for opportunities squandered, by enforcing discipline in even the most minute of things.
But it's so difficult. Albeit I know it's supposed to be hard.
I've been working on many projects right now, concerning academics and leisure alike. And working on these stuff had me contemplating. I just wish I could make things happen, so I can take another step closer to my [ambitions] dreams.
I want to open them all right now - boxes of possibilities, doors of opportunities. I want it all, but I know I can never experience all that I want to feel in this lifetime. It's so difficult to accept, yet I must understand, and that's what makes it harder. If this is a deterministic world, I wish the things that I wanted would have been passed on to my hands. Yet, frustra. I will probably go on and enjoy the life that I am supposed to enjoy, but I will never be complete. I resort myself to consolation by saying that "It's not perfect, that's why it is beautiful."
Maybe that's what lies in the afterlife - completion. Conceptually, to say the least.
Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 9:49 AM
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