Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I've been feeling queasy recently. So much has happened in a span of mere five days, and no matter how hard I try to isolate myself from all the ambiguities surrounding me, I will always end up tangled up with the threads of blurriness. Instead of splendor, all I have now is languor.
Now I feel I'm just a "filler"/"feel-er" in this world. I'm always in between - in between two mirrors, in between rocks, in between two broken pieces. Sometimes I wonder if I am the cause of all the trouble surrounding me. Maybe I am the one pulling the trigger. Maybe I am the spin doctor that I loathe. I feel my self-confidence level dropping to negative. Heck, I even had a chance to sit-in a Labor Class in order to catch up, and then all of a sudden, I backed out because of the possibility of being called up to recite even though I'm not supposed to be in that section.
I always tell myself one day I will understand the answer to my questions. What do people feel about me? Do they hate me? Like me? Am I obtrusive? Am I just an adjunct? A pawn? A feeler?
Also, will I be able to understand the reason for their actions? their silence? their talks?
I'm in haze now. I don't know what the right feeling is.. I feel like a juggernaut causing pain in every path. But in the end, when a look is glanced at me... maybe they can feel it too... or maybe not... they do not feel my pain.
How I wish I could be like the legendary fiction of Haruhi Suzumiya. Or Shinobu Morita from Honey and Clover.
But I keep forgetting. That will always be the cause of my downfall.
To end it all, God give me an answer:
am i real?
Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 6:55 AM
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