Monday, June 26, 2006
Then all of a sudden my mind felt hollow. It has always been like this for the past few days, I'm studying as if my mind's punctured. The thoughts come in like an avalanche, slowly spilling away out my mind just a little bit later. Maybe my soul has been punctured, too. Self confidence comes and goes out, akin to a downward spiral. It's pathetic, and I hate this feeling.
Everything feels awry right now as I mindlessly go in circles, going nowhere. I've been doing things against the laws of logic - I've been doing them for no apparent reason. It's like compulsion, but it is worse. I'm still trying to figure out what this mindlessness is all about. But it has been manifesting its adverse effects lately. And my compass is useless, for what's it's use if one does not have a particular destination? I don't which way I'm going. I don't know what I'll become.
What's even more baffling is how I got justified for wasting two days doing almost literally nothing. I slept 2:00 am not because I studied labor, but I marathoned an anime series. I didn't go to mass just because of slight rain shower. I did things out of my routine, yet I dodged the Labor recitation. The ways of God are sure mysterious - He shoots me down in Oblicon when I studied as hard as I could, and raises me up when all I did was waste my time and question His ways.
Lately I've been preaching change for myself. I don't want to be the washed-up Jeiar anymore. With the change of habits, albeit compulsary, I am afraid I'll be losing an important part of me - something intangible, something words can't give justice to. The loss might be irrevocable. But I have always believed change is universal. Nothing is permanent except change, and changes could be gradual or abrupt. I don't know if like a leopard, if i can ever change my spots, but nevertheless I have to try, for I have been ineffective lately, like I'm stuck in a funk.
All people undergo through this burnout process, I guess. Maybe all these confusions regarding my direction, my ways of doing things, and most importantly, myself, are merely part of the process of transcending what I used to be. At least that's what I believe it is. I hope I am right, and eventually I can be like what my sign embodies - a phoenix out of the ashes of defeat, finally recreating myself in order to get a step closer to my dreams.
Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 7:55 AM
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