Monday, November 06, 2006

CHANGE

sometimes it's pretty and painful or both at the same time
moving on or standing still? everyone knows the answer
except me.

it's been a long time coming. and i'm still here asking.

Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 8:56 AM

Saturday, October 14, 2006

This Chapter Ends.. Quickly Enough...

The semester just went by me, and just like that it was over.

My memory fails me, because I know so much has happened over that short span of time, but somehow my brain cannot contain them all.

Mixed feelings... I'm happy I made it through, but did I go by unscathed? Surely though I failed to meet some of the expectations I have set for myself, and I will not blame any external force for that. It has become my nature that I set the bar so high that my actual performance does not come even close.

But there are some moments that left a smile in my face. Just when I thought I could just close the door, and say goodnight and go, I realized, I just can't go by without thinking of the consequence. I know that departure is impending, but somehow, I felt like if I go quickly enough, there might be some that I am leaving behind. I thought I could live a life out of detachment and just go along with the usual flow of business, but now I know and I believe, that I can't.

As the semester began with high hopes, it ended interestingly. I know I could have done better, but maybe this final round in this college life would be my redemption. But knowing me, as I've grown to be cynical, I know, I won't be able to do as much as I expect myself to do. I know I'm not as strong as I perceived myself to be. I have changed. Circumstances have made me softer, and I guess my tunnel vision isn't as narrow as it was anymore. But it is still limited.

The next challenge comes in form of passing the law school entrance exams. Ah, my redemption could be found here. But that comes with a big MAYBE.

Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 8:53 AM

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Shtty September was worse than my abominable August. God, take me back to the start. I need one more shot at redemption.

Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 10:18 AM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

TREADMILL

It's like running in a treadmill, my melancholic existence.
Blood, sweat and tears - all spent in this running towards a dream.
I've been tiring myself, running, and thinking what will happen next.
After all this time, I feel I've changed, I thought I've come a long way.

But the bitter truth is I've gone nowhere. I'm tired, but I haven't changed at all.

Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 9:15 AM

Saturday, September 02, 2006

SYNDROME

Last August is arugably the longest month in my life. Those 31 hodge-podge days seemed to stretch for a year, and the past entries I have made last August obviously does not accurately depict the blanket of the night that was 2006's August. Like the night, there are some scattered flashes of brilliance (stars), but the rest are engulfed in the darkness of my weaknesses. Frustrating, and ironic as well. For that month was probably the month I laughed the most. But eevn now laughing comes at a price. The weight of responsibility is heavier now, with grave repercussions should there be non-compliance. When will this ever end?

Unfortunately for me, the dark streak should continue this September. I am in desperate need of wins. And then there's the random factor called luck, and I am in thirsting for good luck. So much depends on chance right now, and I have been on the wheel of misfortune since August or July, even.

Where's the cure that escapism could not give.

MALAS LANG TALAGA. $#%^&* it.

Still Jeiar-centric...

Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 10:14 AM

Thursday, August 24, 2006

There's total ambiguity in my emotions right now. It's like a never before tasted concoction - incomprehensible, and you never know what the effects will be. I can also allude my feeling to the proverbial box of chocolates by Forrest Gump - I don't know what I'm going to get.

It's a testament to my faith - I believe God hasn't given me justice, at least not yet. But I'm getting impatient. I'm tired of this bondage of being ordinary, mediocre, and trite. As a consequence of my overzealous idealism, I once again fall out of reach with reality's grasp, ending up disappointed and malcontent.

I'm complaining to God: how come Rizal got his Spanish attrition and became national hero afterwards? how come Job had to lose it all and gain them back twofold? how come Galileo had to face inquisition and gained recognition? how come some people have to deal with poverty, and ended up incredibly accomplished by overcoming their handicaps? Why did they have to deal with something of great force, proportionate to their capabilities?

But what about me? WHERE IS THE CHALLENGE IN MY LIFE? I'm cruising. My external struggles merely involve maintaining grades and trying to finish college, and try to establish good relations with people. I was given the easy way out, taking a shortcut. Money, so far, is not a problem. Internal struggles? Trying to analyze what people think of me, or trying to know where life would take me. Dreaming extravagantly. Undergoing self-affirmation.

If the challenges given to me are proportionate to what I can handle, then I feel totally insulted because this is so damn easy, frankly. I should be given something more difficult, something epic, something that if ever accomplished, it would make me feel incredibly fulfilled. But no. There are reasons why I try to strive to the top as often as possible, but if not for those reasons, then I could have just be "happy-go-lucky" and study "just to pass." It's frustrating.

Though it is arrogant to proclaim that I am not content with my life, in comparison with those whofind happiness in the most minute of circumstances, I just have to be honest. I envy them, because they were able to make the most of what they have, and they are probably not aware that there are more dreams for them to strive, while I am struggling to reach my easier ambitions. Those who exceed their expectations and reach the upper echelons of contentment are fortunate people, and I am an asshole who is disparaged with the blessings, asking for more.

I challenged God to give me the ass-whooping that I deserve. For a deviant heathen, I have been given the pillows, instead of rocks. Ultimately, this challenge virtually strips me of shallow emotions and garbs me with the veil of stoicism. Everything feels predictable and weird. Like if something bad really happens, I wouldn't be that shocked. Because I will probably feel that God is merely responding to my challenge. I would probably be more faithfully charged because God listened to my wish.

I'm a determinist believing in God. My life is akin to cards - this is what I've been dealt. I have to play as best as possible. But, (continuing the allegorical card machine), like a poker player already on the short stack, I'm pleading the Lord to give me what I think I deserve, desperately. Just a chance for something special...

It's a circular thing, and it is stupid. But what's more moronic is this - in the end of all wishing, will the thing that I will achieve be labeled contentment or happiness? and is this really what I wanted?

Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 9:07 AM

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Stark reality: There's not enough time to do everything I like, without suffering the consequences.

I miss the good ol' elementary days, where I would just lie down and sleep all the way after school. Now, sleep is a premium. I have to sacrifice it in order to accomplish responsibilities, or do things that I like better than sleep.

Actually, my problems are not that of greater gravity in comparison with those with less fortunate lives. I have yet to encounter a tribulation where I was endangered or challenged holistically. God has things easy for me, so far.

But how come I feel so problematic and fearful?

Nevertheless, the ennui continues at 9:45 AM